A friend sent this to me, I think you'll like this one . . .

" My wife, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out.

After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came home , and decided she would take a shower.

Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite dry epoxy paint had glued her to the seat. About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pulled and pushed, but no luck whatsoever. Finally in desperation I undid the seat, Julie wrapped the shower curtain around herself and we headed to the ER to see if they could help us. When the Doctor come into the room he took a double look ,and I said to him,  "I'll bet you have never seen anything like this before.  Without missing a beat, the Doctor replied, yes I have, but never in a frame."

While web surfing , I came across these funny stories.  I hope you find them funny as well  !!

 "There was a guy who was using a nail gun and he accidentally drove the hail all the way into his knee so that all you could see was the head of the nail. They guy was waiting in the emergency room and a nurse walked up to him to see what was wrong. He showed he the head of the nail and she proceeded to ask him " Why didn't you stop pounding?"

 A teen was attending driver's ed when the instructor decided to tell a story.

"His instructor's Dad had to go pick up a "customer" so he asked his son if he wanted to go along . He said he would go along but he was very tired so he told his Dad he would sleep in the back-of the hearse. On the way to picking up the customer they stopped to get some gas. After filling up the car, the Dad  went into the gas station to pay and the drivers ed instructor woke up in the back ofthe hearse. He wanted to see where they were. He pulled back the curtain and looked out the window just as someone was walking past. He said he thinks the entire neighborhood could hear him scream."

These  were sent to me, and are pretty clever. I hope you like them ,and maybe share some of yours!

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of murdered?

Why do yo have to"put your two cents in" . . but it's a "penny for your thoughts"  Where does that extra penny go??

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Here are some really clever answers to dumb questions.

Q. In which battle did Napoleon die?

A. His last.

Q. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

A.  At the bottom of the page.

Q. What is the main reason for divorce?

A. Marriage

Q. What can you never eat before breakfast?

A. Lunch and dinner.

Q.What looks like half an apple?

A. the other half.

Q. If you throw a red stone into the Blue Sea, what will it become?

A. Wet!

This was sent to me . . . . .

Teacher: " Why are you late?"

Student:   "Class started before I got here."

                         ................

Teacher:  " Maria, go to the map and find North America."

Maria:       "Here it is."

Teacher:    "Correct. No wclass, who discovered America?"

Class:         " Maria."

                         ..................

Teacher:     "John, why are you doing your math multiplications on the floor?"

John:           "You told me to do it without using tables."

                           ..................

Teacher:     "Glen;, ho;w do you spell crocodile.?

Glen:           " K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"

Teacher"      "Not, that's wrong.

Glen:            "Maybe it's wrong , but you asked me how I spell it."

I love these!!

I got this in an e-mai .

"Some ways to start a fight"

1. My wife and I were sitting at a table at her High School  reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her if she  knew him and she replied "yes, he's an old boyfriend. I understand he took up drinking after we broke up.""My God" I said, "
Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"    . . and then theh fight started!

2. I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" I replied, "Nah, she can order for herself."

tTat's when the fight started!

3. "Mywife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked me, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust."

That's when the fight started!

A sign in a Podiatrist's office :

"Time wounds all heels."

On a septic tank truck:

Yesterday's Meals On Wheels"

At a proctologist's door:

"To expedite your visit,please back in door."

At a  car dealer ship:

"The best way to get back on your feet is to miss a car payment."

At the electric company:

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you wil be."

In a restaurant window.

"Dont stand there and by hungry, come on in and get fed up."

At a propane filling station.

"Thank heaven for little grills."

"When creating wives, God promised man that good and loving wives would be found in all corners of the world . . .

And then He made the earth round."

I got this in an e-mail and thought you might like it.

!.  Light travels faster than sound.This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2.  A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3  He who laughs last thinks slowest.

4.  Change is inevitable,except from a vending machine.

5.  A day without sunshine is well, night.

6.  Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7.  Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8.  The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

 9.  It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end -to -end, someone from

California will try to pass them.

10.  The things that come to those who wait may be the thongs left by those who get there first.

10.  If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11.  Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

12.  Flashlight; A case for holding batteries.

13.  When you o into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Here are some funny quotes . .

1.  Last night  I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

2.  The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's in unfamiliar territory.

3.  Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

4.  Flying is learning how to throw yourself on the ground and miss.

5.  The road to success is always under construction.

6.  If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the UP button.